Our story
A-Jay and Christine are both extreme introverts. On most occassions, they would rather be present and participate as active listeners than showcase under the spotlight.
This trip down memory lane is an opportunity for them to each share how the relationship developed – from their perspectives.
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Fun fact: Christine doesn't have an inner monologue narrating her thoughts. A-Jay does, just like 30-50% of the world. Christine recalls memories and thinks in feelings. A-Jay works out his feelings through self-talk.
Which camp do you fall under?
How we met: the play-by-play
A-Jay: So much had to happen for us to meet when we did. We were the best versions of ourselves up to that point. I'm grateful for everything that happened before then, even the rough parts, because it led me to be who I was when I met her.
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Christine: I no longer have major regrets. Feeling the way I do now has made the rest of my life worth it.
A-Jay: I know people feel cringe about their dating profiles, but I can't help but be proud of ours.
Because in the end, they worked.
A-Jay:
I remember reading her profile, lingering over it, and really, really thinking it over. All the surface traits I had been interested in were checked off, and reading her responses made me feel like our values were aligned. Her pictures were nerdy-cute – my type!
I liked that her pics were fairly casual, but well-taken and framed. And she had a smile that had something I still can't quite explain. I nervously swiped right, with that fleeting "could she be the one?" feeling you get when you like a profile.
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It turned out that she would be my first mutual match on the site! We chatted from the early evening until almost bedtime. We had so much to talk about, and so many things in common. I remember thinking, "wow, we're really hitting it off – I need to ask her out already!"
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We planned for dinner the next week. True to the dating advice I had immersed myself in, I went into our first date treating it like I was meeting a good friend – we'd have some interesting conversation, share a good meal (mmm sushi), and leave without lofty expectations.
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I remember getting to the restaurant early on a cloudy evening. I recognized her as she walked across the parking lot – we exchanged anxious smiles. She ​​was a little late, which I didn't mind since we had reservations.
We were sat at a counter near the door. I remember trying to purposely ask a lot of questions – which was (and is) still new to me – and to listen for more potential conversation topics. We talked about me growing up in the Bay Area, her moving to the Bay Area, and both of us growing up Filipino.
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That's when she got me – she brought up a fact that in pre-colonial times, Filipinos would assemble harana courting groups of varying sizes and gender compositions. I hadn't known that! And having been through a collegiate Fil-Am curriculum, I was impressed she was able to teach me something I didn't already know.
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It seems like such a simple thing to be hooked over. But it made her stand out. After offering her a ride home and safely driving back to Hayward, I couldn't get my mind off of how that moment made me feel, and how the entire night of conversation made me feel seen for the first time in forever.
Christine:
I don't read profiles well. Or, maybe it's that authors are not as honest as I'd like them to be.
After my second and final stint on dating apps, however short it was, I swore off that process... well, until I recovered from all the social fatigue and scarring from that experience. Friends (and one particular person) pushed me hard to go on one last date. Just one more, and if I didn't enjoy myself, even if I didn't want to see that particular person again, they'd support me on being a strong, independent woman for the rest of my life.
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So I chatted with the first match who made the effort to learn more about me, beyond the obligatory questions. But, our schedules didn't match, and at the risk of (what I presumed to be) losing momentum, he proposed a mid-week dinner. As a "school night" date, I thought that was a great idea, because I could bail earlier than normal.
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And then, it was rainy. And cold. And my thick sweater dress and boots were no match for me to feel comfortable. I was shivering, waiting for him to arrive. I chose a spot close to my apartment so that I wouldn't have to go very far. He, on the other hand, drove more than 30 mins to get to our mutually agreed upon spot.
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Except, no. I was at the place I wanted to eat at but didn't have a high enough star rating for me to feel comfortable suggesting. That's right, I forgot that I picked an even closer place. Aaaaand I was now late.
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I thought, "he's so kind, telling me to take my time."
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"Okay, there he is. Okay, let's get this over with. Okay, I don't want to be here too long."
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"I'm so awkward. Wow, I do not know if I will versed enough to talk k-pop, but this choreo karaoke is fascinating."
"Actually, he has really interesting things to say. Wow, again with the questions. Low bar, I know, but this is better than I thought it would be. Also, he is not eating very much. I suppose I can't let him know that I'm hungry right now. It's okay, the trainee helping us is taking forever so we can just chitchat."
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"1.5 hours. Gotta wrap this up. But aww, he's being very kind and seems to genuinely being interested in the convo. Okay for real for reals time to go. 2.5 hours. That's too late for a Wednesday. Oh wow, did I just ask him out on a second date? What's wrong with me? Why do I feel relieved?"
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"I like the gentlemanly ask to drive me home, but... he can't know I'm this lazy that I suggested so close a place. Or know that I'm this easily cold--even though I wanted to accept a two block car ride..."
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"Now that I'm home, I'm wide awake. It's bed time, but I wish I had stayed out longer."
Both in retrospect:​
A-Jay started out this era of his life with positivity, ready to mingle in the post-shelter-in-place world again. He had done a lot of self work, read enough to know that there was a numbers game to play before finding the right match, and was genuinely excited to start this era.
On the other hand, Christine had a more cynical outlook. She almost wasn't looking for anyone or anything anymore. This "first date" was supposed to be her last.
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...and it actually was. Because Christine will not be going on a "first date" again. And A-Jay would not begin a long dating phase. This spring 2023 "first date" is the definition of right time, right people, right place.
Early connections
Christine: "Y'know, I saw this thing on YouTube where we're all putting toilet seat covers upside down. They're supposed to follow the shape of the seat, flat side away from you. That's bananas, right?"
[Insert looped face palm in her head.]
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A-Jay: "Have you heard of the history behind the way they made this baseball stadium?"
[Wow, she really likes trivia. He hoped she hadn't heard this one yet.]
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Christine was anxious she was sharing too dull a fact. A-Jay was genuinely engaged and wanted to keep the info-sharing going. At this stage, they already liked each other. A lot. It got only better from there.
Christine:
We had gone on our first seven dates in two weeks. It hadn't felt like a lot, until I started to see signs of work moving more slowly than usual and my "inbox zero" piling up to 20 messages in need of a response. Surprisingly, it didn't bother me. I was excited.
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Our time together felt familiar, even though we really did grow up with very different perspectives on the world. It was so wild to me that A-Jay's cultural clubs were so big and so active. That he thought it was normal for Filipinos to be on the radio, act, and pursue the arts professionally. And yet, we had participated in similarly-minded community events and played the "I am involved in a lot of interest groups, but beyond social reasons, focused on production and contributions" roles in our networks.
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Really, we started out with a strong sense of shared experiences, even if they didn't shape us in the same ways. And so we kept meeting up, fascinated by the inputs of our earlier experiences and curious about how they influenced the way we thought today. Did academic achievement set an expectation to achieve everywhere? Or did it demonstrate enough confidence to know that more achievement was no longer necessary need to prove ability? Did we find big historic events a driver to be more involved in global-sized causes? Or did they feel so big that it felt more impactful to influence actions more local and contained?​​​​
So during our early days, the rapid succession of dates were almost all marathon conversations against different backdrops. We'd hike or share a meal or find new neighborhoods to walk around. Each exploration was much less about the surrounding and much more about discovering each other. Well, that made sense for this part of the relationship. And yet, that phase never ended.
One of our favorite pastimes is reading books, watching shows, or talking with others separately, and then in turn, asking what each other thought. It might sound tiring, to play a "truth or truth" type game all the time. But it energizes us. Because I think that level of engagement requires deep listening, which means we're truly hearing each other and offering a means to challenge and grow each other's world views.
No longer relationship babies
A-Jay: I find myself experiencing JOMO – the Joy Of Missing Out.
I'm reminded of a book Christine recently read, Oliver Burkeman's "Four Thousand Weeks", which I happened to read months ago. JOMO is knowing you could have a great time doing something else, but deliberately choosing to do whatever's in front of you instead.
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Over all the possible relationships I could potentially form: I am thrilled to choose the relationship in front of me.
A-Jay:
I admire how much of a curious kid Christine is. She's an experience collector. She maximizes her time, energy, and whatever unit of measurement is in front of her. This is one reason why she doesn't like rewatching movies or TV sh ows she's already seen. There are too many new experiences out there to be felt!
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As for me, I'm not much of a binge watcher. I can't help but think of all the things I could be doing instead of watching a huge block of TV episodes at once. To be sure, I do enjoy what I watch when I do watch, but I could never plan to watch a show for hours ahead of time. (Ironically, before I left certain social media platforms, I would get stuck watching short-form content for hours, lol.)
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Putting our two TV watching preferences together has led us to watching the greatest hits – naturally curated by Christine's encyclopedic knowledge of great TV. I legitimately haven't watched anything bad!​ I get to watch everything I've heard rave reviews about over the past few years, but without the hype train that surrounded its first go-round.​
When we first got to know each other, she told me how television was one of her love languages. And so I've recently learned a new language of TV memes to relate with Christine on a deeper level. And as I've ​gotten to learn her love language, she's helped me realize how much I used to love watching TV for the sake of watching it–before becoming an "adult" that felt too busy to spend hours laughing, crying, and feeling.
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And isn't that part of being in a great relationship?
Laughing. Crying. Feeling.
Together. Together!​
By the numbers
Finding comfort in vulnerable love
A-Jay:
Being vulnerable – at least for me – has meant learning to embrace discomfort. Early on, Christine and I felt we had so much in common that we were each other's "mirrors." And while she's reflected back all of my best traits, she simultaneously shows me what I'm still working on improving.​​
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This tension between becoming comfortable with discomfort is how it feels to be vulnerable with Christine. In order to love her more deeply, I'm learning to accept that she'll love me unconditionally, even when I'm not at my best, just as I love her in the same way.
Mirrors.
Companionship in playful love
Christine:​​
​Being with A-Jay is like a day off, a day off of editorializing and having to meet any sort of expectation.
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We have each confessed enjoying solo activities--from a dinner out to a profoundly moving art exhibit. Still, prior to meeting each other, there were things we didn't do because we thought they were better experience with an activity partner.​
A-Jay is my best friend and my preferred adventure partner.
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We took our first international trip together to Japan. Even though A-Jay had previously been to some of the places we visited, the experiences felt different because our mindsets have been changed.
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Going to friends' weddings hit differently because we had a new appreciation for what we were witnessing.
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I still have a great time going out with other people. But sometimes, when I belly laugh deep enough to form a core memory, I miss him. It's like I want to capture my best life experiences and release them the next time I see him. Life is too good not to share with someone you trust.
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Although we still do many things separately, doing things together heightens whatever how we feel. For me, A-Jay is a natural hype guy, like my own built-in theater crowd.
Support for self-love
Christine:
When you’re constantly editing, you’re constantly holding back. And when that happens, you’re limiting—not just what others pick up, but the potential of what you might receive. With A-Jay, I’m able to let go, fully take in and have exchanges with the world. That’s what it now means to me to truly live.
Suddenly, I’m not afraid to see what happens when others pick up what I put down. Well, more often than before. And I actually welcome it. I welcome a fuller life.
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A-Jay enabled me to feel what that's like. It's a way to love the parts of myself that I've not let out in the world. More than anything, he has taught me how to let someone--the world, really--love me. What a gift.